The Mammogram

The Mammogram

The Mammogram

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While conducting business at the courthouse, I overheard a lady (who was arrested for assaulting a mammogram technician) say, “Your Honor, I’m guilty, but there were extenuating circumstances…” The female judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.

“Your Honor, upon arriving at my mammogram appointment, I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear. “She tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘Hi, I’m Belinda… All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?’ “I’m thinking, ‘Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.’ Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. “With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’ “‘Fine,’ I answered, freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a ZAP! “Complete darkness, THE POWER WAS OFF!!!

“Belinda said, ‘Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag…’ Then she headed for the door. “‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?’I shouted. “Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy… the door’s wide open, so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’ “Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ She disappeared.

“And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “Maintenance Men Extraordinaire”, found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! “After exchanging a polite ‘Hi-how’s-it-going-type’ greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. “Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, ‘Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.’ “‘OK, you take care now,’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

“Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh! I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you–and silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’

“And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case dismissed!”

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One Comment

  • Sam Lawrenceson

    Ladies stop this madness and pain and suffering…THERMOGAPHY A NO SQUISH no pain total scope cheekbones to waist..all in one test…
    Look it up in your local area….It saved me with fibroid breasts…years of suffering…
    this scan is upper body but they have full body or lower body scans….
    If anything shows up to be concerned with there is always a squish if needed.
    The thermograhy revealed no problems and all good… SAVE YOUR GIRLS

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